Question by Nebmommyof1: WHAT CAN I DO? Get him back before divorce is final? *serious answers & advice only please!!!*?
My husband and I have been together for 12 years, and married for 8. We are both 30 – We have a 5 year old daughter together, and on December 12th, my husband served me with Divorce papers.
I had been emailing a guy 5 states away, the emails included normal chat about everyday life, and then it got heated with some sex talk online – my husband found out about it & was very upset, but told me that if that is what I need to do to keep myself from actually going out to “physically” cheat, then I could do what I wanted – within reason. This guy works for a company that deals with the company I work for, and he called me to let me know that he was in town overnight – I met him for the 1st time, he is 43 years old and not very attractive at all, so I never worried about putting myself in a compromising situation of an affair with him, we both understood that and we just hung out, had a few drinks; I only hung out with him because he is funny and I told him that I considered him a friend but nothing more. This guy and I grabbed some food to go, then we both went up to his hotel room and we ate and talked. I never was within a few feet of him, I never had sex with the man. my husband then caught me and him together by calling the hotel – he knew the guys name from the emails – and I told him that I wasn’t coming downstairs to talk to him now, but that I would be home later and we would talk about it – I was dishonest with my husband about where I was & who I was with, but I swear to GOD that I did NOT have sex with this man – I have since stopped all contact with this man, and it has been almost 2 months since I last talked to him or emailed him. I have cut him off completely from my life – my husband gets my cell phone bill, and I have proved him wrong with that thought that I continued contact. I promised him that I would never put myself in that position again – I told him the reason why I did it is because I felt less to him than his hobbies, and he rarely would express his love for me other than when we had sex. I was also selfish – I should have been talking to him more, but everytime something was wrong with him, I would have to badger him until he would finally open up. I always had to initiate conversation, initiate intimacy, initiate any ideas for remodeling our home – he never took the initiative with anything until he served me with divorce papers.
After I was served with the divorce papers on the 12th, I found out that he was having an affair before getting a lawyer to set up the divorce papers with a neighbor across the alley who wasn’t legally divorced yet & is 38. She has been married & divorced *4* times. Her last husband is also our neighbor, whom my husband became friends with while the 2 of them were married. She has 2 teenage daughters that she is rarely home to see or parent. She is a nasty woman who her friends admitted to me that she uses people for her own benefit – her benefit in this case was brainwashing my husband to believe her with all her divorce experience, that he should leave his family and be with her, and to get a divorce. She is a bar fly that has sex with any man who will take her home – this is not hear say, this is the truth – one of the guys she has had sex with admitted their brief one night affair. (the week that I was served with papers, he had led me to believe that we would work through this with marriage counseling and our love would prevail)
He moved out of the house on the 27th of December to stay with his parents – we went to counseling after the papers were served, and also the day before our temporary hearing on who gets what temporarily.
I also found out that he spent new years eve with this woman and paid for a hotel room – I wondered why he didn’t want to spend it with our daughter, he just said that he was going to this other city to see his sister.
I told him, even in front of our counselor, that if this is what he really wants to divorce me, then please leave this woman alone so we can settle things with clear heads. He told me that the night before last, that he has ended it with her & will prove it to me with copies of his cell phone bill – he doesn’t have another phone or another way to contact her, so the bill will be the proof.
I have continually been proving myself to him, that I have not & will not ever do what I did to him again – He has told me that he still loves me, and still will re-consider getting back with me.
My thoughts are this: He did this to get back at me for the hurt that I put on him (we never had any type of major fights before, everything was what I would call “picture perfect”)
He is scared to work on our marriage because he thinks that I may hurt him again
He is so confused right now that he doesn’t know which end is up, and I have told him a thousand times over that I would always be there for him no matter what. We are very close – closer than most married people that I have ever been around.
I told him t
that if we can continue the marriage counselling and leave everyone else out of this other than our daughter, and in that respect, she only knows that mommy and daddy aren’t living together.
I want to show him that there is so much more in our future together, I want him to see that even though I did those things to him, that he hurt me even worse with this other woman. I want him to see that we are meant to be – all our friends and family members want to see us work this out and be together.
How can I make this right in his mind and in his heart? How can I save our marriage before he makes the biggest mistake of his life?
He has even agreed to have another baby – does that sound like someone who really wants to divorce? If he really wanted the divorce, then why is he still talking to me – why wouldn’t he have moved out when he served me with divorce papers? Why has he still been making love to me, and kissing me at odd times?
Is this really a person that wants a divorce?
I had to merge the info together – not enough space…..
I AGAIN STATE THAT WE DIDN’T HAVE PROBLEMS BEFORE THIS! WHEN WE DATED AND LIVED TOGETHER FOR 4 YEARS, THERE WASN’T AN ISSUE WITH THE INTIMACY, OR ANYTHING ELSE.
I honestly believe that the “initiating” issue began when we bought our home and a new vehicle – just “monetary” stress within the last couple years – that is it.
I didn’t say that we were going to have another baby, I said that he agreed to it – the point of that being said was to show that he isn’t over “us” yet – and is being indecisive! I didn’t say that it was going to happen – only that he agreed to it.
I totally agree with those of you who said that it is my fault – I have admitted fault to this – I was very selfish and didn’t take into effect the “cause & effect” situation that I put myself into –
The woman is a “bar fly” because she is one. She even posted 3 pages worth of pictures of her being drunk with other men on her myspace page which is public knowledge.
The “guy” that i was talking to and met was nothing more to me than a friend. and I knew it for a fact before I ever met him. He knew that it would never go further than what it did, and even told me that he was very sorry for even putting me in that position – I told him that it took my decision to be there as well.
We didn’t eat out in public because I didn’t want anyone that I knew to see me, and I wish that I had – I wish that I never would have done what I did. Unfortunately after a stone is thrown, you can’t un-throw it – I am trying to work on the future at this point, and learn from my terrible mistakes.
Today my husband & I met with our pastor, and we are going to continue talking it through to see if we can make some head way in paving a better path for our future – regardless of the outcome.
Best answer:
Answer by meaganlech
I’ve found out a lot about men through reading the book ‘ He’s Just Not That Into You’. Even though it may not solve your situation, it will give you some insight to options you may want to pursue. Hope this helps.
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